Friday, 30 August 2013
Dear heart
Dear heart..Please please please... Do not fall for someone that you know you can't have. He won't look at you... he 's too good for you, there's no way you're going to win his heart... Let him be... Stop hoping.... Stop this before you fall deeper
Wednesday, 21 August 2013
Apa yang aku kejar sebenarnya?
Keputusan uni dah keluar tapi permohonan aku ditolak. Alhamdulillah, it's ok.. I did everything I could. Aku dah mengerah seluruh tenaga yang aku ada sampai ke titis2 akhir. Aku dah guna semua kudrat yang aku ada untuk study sungguh2.. Aku dah bagi segala2 yang aku ada untuk yakinkan uni + call JPA + call ketua program. Kawan2 aku even pergi Putrajaya lagi nak deal pasal semua ni. Diorang pun sama kes ngan aku. Bersabarlah ye kawan2, sekarang kita student je, belajar pun memang guna duit orang lain, so orang memang tak kan pandang kita pun. Tak pe, nanti bila kita dah berjaya, jom tolong budak2 yang ada masalah macam ni. Kesian giler weh...Rasa macam tak terbela je...Welcome to the real world....
Keputusan uni memang di luar kuasa aku tapi keputusan a level bergantung kat aku. So, I'm glad I did my part well.I'm glad I didn't give up till the very last moment. Aku harap Allah kira usaha aku sebagai tertunainya amanah kat pembayar cukai semua. Aku study pun guna duit rakyat kan? So, I must give my very best, Itu satu amanah. I will continue to be this kind of person, the one who didn't quit until the final moment, the one who keeps on believing and the one who keeps working so hard.
It made me feel good just to think about it... Thinking about how I survived those tiring days at INTEC, how I managed to score even though I was completely demotivated and down when my future was decided even before A-level exam, how I have no regret of my life at INTEC, how hard I worked that I can't believe it was me. If I keep on thinking how unfair it is to do this to us just because of those pathetic 15-30 minutes, I will get depressed. But, I will definitely be fine, because I've promised myself to be a happier person and I'll give my best in my med school. I won't break those promises because I can't lose trust in myself...
Well, I should be thankful actually. I'm going to the top med school in Malaysia, I'm going to the uni that is most likely to have me as their only Melanau there. I'm going to be an official medical student, no longer an A-level student. I'm going to be a doctor.... That is the most important. Ayah aku cakap, belajar ni macam makan kat rumah. Tak kisah kau duduk kat mana, atas kerusi ke, kat lantai ke, depan tv ke, dalam bilik ke, makanan tetap sama.... So, tak kisah la aku g luar negara ke tak, ilmu yang aku dapat tetap sama... tak ternilai....
Mula-mula dapat tahu yang permohonan aku ditolak, memang aku nangis. Tak dinafikan sedih teramat dan rasa macam harapan aku hancur, rasa macam semua usaha selama ni tak berbaloi, rasa rugi setahun, rasa macam bersalah sangat kat parents aku, rasa macam orang yang dapat result teruk walhal excellent je.. Aku call ketua program pun aku nangis, aku hantar emel kat JPA pun aku nangis, aku mtk tolong kawan2 aku kat Putrajaya untuk tanya pasal aku pun aku nangis. Hahaha...Banjir kot... Aku cakap kat ayah aku nak apply g India. Ye lah, waktu fikiran kusut macam tu aku juz terfikir nak fly je, macam dah tak kisah g mana. Ayah aku bagi je aku book flight nak g Putrajaya jumpa JPA cuma nya aku kena g sendiri la sebab dia kerja. Dia panik tengok aku buat keputusan terburu2, dia suruh aku tunggu dulu jangan apply dulu, analysis dulu uni mana yang lebih bagus, jangan juz tengok local@ abroad. Dia pun pergi jumpa kawan dia, office diorang dekat je, ketua kat Kementerian Kesihatan.
Kawan dia tu doktor. Kawan dia punya la excited aku dapat IMU, sbb dia cakap tu antara yang top. Tapi aku? Menangis macam xda tempat. Doktor tu macam tak faham apa masalah aku sebenarnya. Dia cakap nak dapat straight A, nak dapat ambik medik pun dah sengsara, why am I not happy with myself when I did well? Betultu kan? Memang la aku tak leh nak paksa diorang terima aku, tapi dari situ pun aku dah sepatutnya faham yang tempat aku memang kat sini, even aku dapat A semua 17papers pun diorang tak terima, there must be something sampai ALLAH tahan aku kat sini begitu sekali.
Mesti ada hikmah ny.Kawan 2 aku yang rapat kat aku sejak aku sekolah rendah lagi, tadika lagi semua bagi semangat kat aku dan cakap yang there's no reason for me to be sad. In fact, I should be proud of my fighting spirit. At least, aku bukan tak dapat fly sebab tak lepas pointer, Ada satu soalan yang buat aku tersentak. Kawan aku marah giler bila tengok aku tak bersyukur macam ni sebab urusan yang bukan tanggungjawab aku. Diorang cakap aku pat straight a pun diorang dah bangga giler kat aku n aku tak perlu nak bebankan diri sendiri dengan something yang bukan kuasa aku. Sampaikan dia tanya aku, 'Apa yang kau kejar sebenarnya?' Soalan tu buat aku berfikir.... Thanks everyone... Aku bersyukur sangat yang walaupun kawan aku seciput je, tak ramai, tapi yang ada tu lah yang membesar dengan aku sejak aku umur 6 tahun lagi,,sejak aku11tahun lagi... Yang membantu aku selama ni, yang didik aku sampai aku jadi orang macam ni. Tak semua orang ada... I love everyone.......
Keputusan uni memang di luar kuasa aku tapi keputusan a level bergantung kat aku. So, I'm glad I did my part well.I'm glad I didn't give up till the very last moment. Aku harap Allah kira usaha aku sebagai tertunainya amanah kat pembayar cukai semua. Aku study pun guna duit rakyat kan? So, I must give my very best, Itu satu amanah. I will continue to be this kind of person, the one who didn't quit until the final moment, the one who keeps on believing and the one who keeps working so hard.
It made me feel good just to think about it... Thinking about how I survived those tiring days at INTEC, how I managed to score even though I was completely demotivated and down when my future was decided even before A-level exam, how I have no regret of my life at INTEC, how hard I worked that I can't believe it was me. If I keep on thinking how unfair it is to do this to us just because of those pathetic 15-30 minutes, I will get depressed. But, I will definitely be fine, because I've promised myself to be a happier person and I'll give my best in my med school. I won't break those promises because I can't lose trust in myself...
Well, I should be thankful actually. I'm going to the top med school in Malaysia, I'm going to the uni that is most likely to have me as their only Melanau there. I'm going to be an official medical student, no longer an A-level student. I'm going to be a doctor.... That is the most important. Ayah aku cakap, belajar ni macam makan kat rumah. Tak kisah kau duduk kat mana, atas kerusi ke, kat lantai ke, depan tv ke, dalam bilik ke, makanan tetap sama.... So, tak kisah la aku g luar negara ke tak, ilmu yang aku dapat tetap sama... tak ternilai....
Mula-mula dapat tahu yang permohonan aku ditolak, memang aku nangis. Tak dinafikan sedih teramat dan rasa macam harapan aku hancur, rasa macam semua usaha selama ni tak berbaloi, rasa rugi setahun, rasa macam bersalah sangat kat parents aku, rasa macam orang yang dapat result teruk walhal excellent je.. Aku call ketua program pun aku nangis, aku hantar emel kat JPA pun aku nangis, aku mtk tolong kawan2 aku kat Putrajaya untuk tanya pasal aku pun aku nangis. Hahaha...Banjir kot... Aku cakap kat ayah aku nak apply g India. Ye lah, waktu fikiran kusut macam tu aku juz terfikir nak fly je, macam dah tak kisah g mana. Ayah aku bagi je aku book flight nak g Putrajaya jumpa JPA cuma nya aku kena g sendiri la sebab dia kerja. Dia panik tengok aku buat keputusan terburu2, dia suruh aku tunggu dulu jangan apply dulu, analysis dulu uni mana yang lebih bagus, jangan juz tengok local@ abroad. Dia pun pergi jumpa kawan dia, office diorang dekat je, ketua kat Kementerian Kesihatan.
Kawan dia tu doktor. Kawan dia punya la excited aku dapat IMU, sbb dia cakap tu antara yang top. Tapi aku? Menangis macam xda tempat. Doktor tu macam tak faham apa masalah aku sebenarnya. Dia cakap nak dapat straight A, nak dapat ambik medik pun dah sengsara, why am I not happy with myself when I did well? Betultu kan? Memang la aku tak leh nak paksa diorang terima aku, tapi dari situ pun aku dah sepatutnya faham yang tempat aku memang kat sini, even aku dapat A semua 17papers pun diorang tak terima, there must be something sampai ALLAH tahan aku kat sini begitu sekali.
Mesti ada hikmah ny.Kawan 2 aku yang rapat kat aku sejak aku sekolah rendah lagi, tadika lagi semua bagi semangat kat aku dan cakap yang there's no reason for me to be sad. In fact, I should be proud of my fighting spirit. At least, aku bukan tak dapat fly sebab tak lepas pointer, Ada satu soalan yang buat aku tersentak. Kawan aku marah giler bila tengok aku tak bersyukur macam ni sebab urusan yang bukan tanggungjawab aku. Diorang cakap aku pat straight a pun diorang dah bangga giler kat aku n aku tak perlu nak bebankan diri sendiri dengan something yang bukan kuasa aku. Sampaikan dia tanya aku, 'Apa yang kau kejar sebenarnya?' Soalan tu buat aku berfikir.... Thanks everyone... Aku bersyukur sangat yang walaupun kawan aku seciput je, tak ramai, tapi yang ada tu lah yang membesar dengan aku sejak aku umur 6 tahun lagi,,sejak aku11tahun lagi... Yang membantu aku selama ni, yang didik aku sampai aku jadi orang macam ni. Tak semua orang ada... I love everyone.......
Sunday, 18 August 2013
Aku tak tahu la apa nasib aku lepas ni.. Tadi dah call sponsor tp diorang cakap diorang tak boleh tolong. Memang kena tunggu keputusan uni;.. Ya ALLAH, tolong la kami, Struggle giler nak dapat 15, tak kan tak leh fly..... Tolong la,,,,, sedih nyer macam ni.....Ya ALLAH..izinkan aku untuk merasa study kat negara orang... Izinkan lah ya ALLAH...
Be strong
Ya ALLAH... May I win this lonely battle. Never lose hope... Never give up.... Never... Never...
Thursday, 15 August 2013
Alhamdulillah... All praises to Allah
Ya Allah, terima kasih sebab izinkan aku untuk merasa nikmat kejayaan ni.. Alhamdulillah sebab kau dah beri kejayaan yang lebih dari yang aku sangka, yang menjangkaui usaha ku yang tak seberapa. Semua written paper aku dapat A, cuma assigment je tak dapat A. 17 papers in one and a half month period of examination, Ya Allah.. Macam tak percaya yang semua tu dah berakhir...Macam tak caya aku dapat a untuk semua unit, macam tak caya chemistry unit 5 dan bio unit 5 aku dapat a. Banyak benda aku tak caya. Tapi, kuasa Allah kan, aku kena ingat yang semua ni pinjaman semata2, semua hak Allah. Jangan jadi macam dulu, bila dah berjaya, asyik ingat effort sendiri, walhal semua tu dengan izin Allah, Kalau Allah tak izinkan, nak gerak satu jari nak pegang pen pun mustahil.
Semalam aku tak dapat tido pun, tgh2 malam g cek directplus, haha, tapi result tak keluar lagi waktu tu. Sebelum subuh lagi dah mandi. Semalam aku tido kat rumah cousin aku kat damansara. Pagi-pagi lagi aku ngan ayah aku g breakfast, aku makan sikit je. Lepas tu ayah aku ajak g naik teksi pergi kampus tapi aku tak nak. Bukan apa, aku nak ajar ayah aku naik bas, train, lrt, tiap kali ayah aku outstation memang ada transport so dia tak reti la semua tu. Plus, tak lama lagi aku nak smbung study memang guna banyak duit, lagi pun aku tau yang mak aku cancel plan shopping sebab aku.Bersalah nyer rasa tapi tak pe mak. Nanti dah kerja, I'll make sure you get to buy anything you want.
Aku sampai kampus lewat gak, dalam pukul 11 cam tu, ayah aku tunggu kat luar, aku g ambik result sendiri. Haha... Yang ni lawak, aku clumsy giler. Boleh pulak aku salah slip. Aku ambik slip orang lain yang aku tak kenal pun, sambil jalan tu memang aku nangis sebab aku ingat aku tak lepas, *lain program lain cut-off point, untuk prog budak tu pointer dia lepas.* Dengan penuh monolog, aku jalan slow2 kat ayah aku nak cakap tak lepas, bila dah depan ayah aku, ngan mata merah nangis, aku tengok betul2 slip tu, ada fizik. Bila masa aku ambik fizik, lepas tu aku tengok nama orang lain, hahaha. Apa lagi, pecut la balik ke office. Kawan aku gelak bukan main kuat, adoi... Aku kat kelas pun memang clumsy. Hahaha. Bila la aku nak berubah ni. Officer tu pun membebel g cari nama aku, sorry ye....
Bila dah dapat slip aku sendiri, memang aku gelak2, aku dapat 15, tak sangka. Adoi...becampur baur la perasaan aku hari ni...
Thanks everyone, terutama ayah mak yang sentiasa sokong aku, bersabar dengan rungutan aku, susah3.. Sampai ayah aku boleh cakap yang 'Kalau senang, semua orang pun boleh jadi doktor." Erkk... Terima kasih gak sponsor tiket flight aku tiap cuti, Terima kasih gak ngan lect aku yang bersabar ngan kerenah n kemalasan aku, terimah kasih gak ngan kawan2 aku yang jadi warna2 dalam hidup aku, terima kasih gak sponsor aku yang bagi elaun tiap bulan, terima kasih semua...
Aku akan cuba mintak balik oversea, sebab hari tu interview aku tak lepas.. Ya Allah, izinkan aku fly... I've made it this far, please help me again.. I won't give up
Semalam aku tak dapat tido pun, tgh2 malam g cek directplus, haha, tapi result tak keluar lagi waktu tu. Sebelum subuh lagi dah mandi. Semalam aku tido kat rumah cousin aku kat damansara. Pagi-pagi lagi aku ngan ayah aku g breakfast, aku makan sikit je. Lepas tu ayah aku ajak g naik teksi pergi kampus tapi aku tak nak. Bukan apa, aku nak ajar ayah aku naik bas, train, lrt, tiap kali ayah aku outstation memang ada transport so dia tak reti la semua tu. Plus, tak lama lagi aku nak smbung study memang guna banyak duit, lagi pun aku tau yang mak aku cancel plan shopping sebab aku.Bersalah nyer rasa tapi tak pe mak. Nanti dah kerja, I'll make sure you get to buy anything you want.
Aku sampai kampus lewat gak, dalam pukul 11 cam tu, ayah aku tunggu kat luar, aku g ambik result sendiri. Haha... Yang ni lawak, aku clumsy giler. Boleh pulak aku salah slip. Aku ambik slip orang lain yang aku tak kenal pun, sambil jalan tu memang aku nangis sebab aku ingat aku tak lepas, *lain program lain cut-off point, untuk prog budak tu pointer dia lepas.* Dengan penuh monolog, aku jalan slow2 kat ayah aku nak cakap tak lepas, bila dah depan ayah aku, ngan mata merah nangis, aku tengok betul2 slip tu, ada fizik. Bila masa aku ambik fizik, lepas tu aku tengok nama orang lain, hahaha. Apa lagi, pecut la balik ke office. Kawan aku gelak bukan main kuat, adoi... Aku kat kelas pun memang clumsy. Hahaha. Bila la aku nak berubah ni. Officer tu pun membebel g cari nama aku, sorry ye....
Bila dah dapat slip aku sendiri, memang aku gelak2, aku dapat 15, tak sangka. Adoi...becampur baur la perasaan aku hari ni...
Thanks everyone, terutama ayah mak yang sentiasa sokong aku, bersabar dengan rungutan aku, susah3.. Sampai ayah aku boleh cakap yang 'Kalau senang, semua orang pun boleh jadi doktor." Erkk... Terima kasih gak sponsor tiket flight aku tiap cuti, Terima kasih gak ngan lect aku yang bersabar ngan kerenah n kemalasan aku, terimah kasih gak ngan kawan2 aku yang jadi warna2 dalam hidup aku, terima kasih gak sponsor aku yang bagi elaun tiap bulan, terima kasih semua...
Aku akan cuba mintak balik oversea, sebab hari tu interview aku tak lepas.. Ya Allah, izinkan aku fly... I've made it this far, please help me again.. I won't give up
Wednesday, 14 August 2013
Sekarang aku dah kat kl. Hari ni result aku keluar. Aku punya cuak tu sampai tido 3jam je. Semalam otw ke airport, aku tengok jalan yang gelap sunyi sepi tu aku jadi takut, What a lonely battle. I don't know what to expect. Aku kalau nak ikutkan memang tak nak ambik result awal. Aku dah plan siap2 dah ambik result b4 register uni. Tapi... Ayah aku tak de cuti, cuti ayah aku waktu ni je. Lagipun aku kena ambik sijil dari kawan aku, kot2 dia fly september nanti macam mana aku nak ambik kan? Lepas tu pulak, aku dapat surat yang aku kena buat med check up by 23rd, hmmmh..punah la harapan aku nak elak semua orang tanya pasal result. Nak tak nak, memang kena g waktu ni gak.
Sekarang kalau boleh aku tak nak fikir apa2 pasal result tapi mustahil la kan? Ya Allah, may everything turns out to be fine, please ease my way to success...
p/s: Ayah mak, sorry sebab menyusahkan... Mesti pening kan nak arrange semua? Hmmh...
Sekarang kalau boleh aku tak nak fikir apa2 pasal result tapi mustahil la kan? Ya Allah, may everything turns out to be fine, please ease my way to success...
p/s: Ayah mak, sorry sebab menyusahkan... Mesti pening kan nak arrange semua? Hmmh...
Wednesday, 31 July 2013
Ya ALLAH... Aku takut
Ya ALLAH... Aku takut sangat........ I have no one else... I only have you.... Aku lemah....... I don't have a lot of people to pray for me. I'm afraid that my du'a alone is not enough... I am really not close with anyone.... I don't share my personal problem with anyone. I keep everything to myself.. But now.. I feel so weak... I feel like I need someone but I don't have anyone.. I only have you. Ya ALLAH... walaupun aku keseorangan, walaupun aku memang banyak buat dosa, please look at me.... Hear me out Ya ALLAH... Listen to my do'a.... Please help me...........Help me......... It had been quite some time since I last cry that it feels so difficult to stop crying now. I feel lost.... Ya ALLAH... I really love you...... Don't leave me........
Monday, 8 July 2013
Being honest with my heart
People change... yes, it's very true..... Bila aku renung balik
diri aku sekarang dan diri aku waktu sekolah menengah dulu ada satu perasaan
pelik dalam diri aku. It is as though I am thinking of someone else. My old
self won't recognize me now.... And little did I know that I could change this
much... I was much happier back then... Happier and healthier.... Surrounded by
friends, teachers, and family that love me despite of how childish and immature
I was. But now....
I was having a lot of fun studying at my
high school even though it is only a small school at a small town... Sekolah
aku dulu kecik je, satu kelas 20 + students je, total students pun 500
lebih je waktu tu... But I was so happy....Not a single day passed without
laughter...not an ordinary laughter since my friends were extraordinarily
funny... Some more, my circle of friends is soooooo small. My classmates were
my only close friends on this earth. So, we grew up closer than we thought we
would be. 'Friends'... such a pleasant treasure to have.... But now....
Sekarang aku dah tak kenal diri aku....
Back in 2010, when our SPM results was
out, it appeared that I became the first and only student in my batch to get
straight A's after 7 years. So people start to pay attention to me. Well, I
can't blame them; I grew up at a small town so of course news spread fast.
What's more? Muslim is the minority here with less than 10% practitioners, so
when a Muslim girl like me get 11 A’s, people start to wonder who is that
girl? Since that day, whenever my teachers or my parents’ friend see them
anywhere, the most common question would be about where am I now… Expectations
start to burden me.
Rezeki tu rahsia Allah… aku tak tahu kenapa, entah macam mana,
kenapa and on what basis, tiba 2 aku dapat anugerah SPM waktu maal Hijrah..
Sedangkan aku tak dapat straight A plus pun… Sukan aku tak aktif pun, aku tak
tahu kenapa dan macam mana aku dapat. And again…expectations keep increasing….
Bila orang dapat tahu aku dapat tawaran study abroad, lagi la….
Expectations began to suffocate me… Memang aku dapat tawaran tapi ada banyak
stages nak g tu, exam tak yah cakap la, berbelas2 papers aku kena duduk,
interview lagi, IELTS lagi.. tapi…people don’t understand… They keep on asking,
when are you going to fly, which university, where, bla3…. Honestly, I can’t
answer any of it, so stop asking me and my family about it. I pity my mom and
dad, they have to think of the right way to answer those questions every time….
IELTS Alhamdulillah kira excellent gak, tapi interview aku tak
lepas, sekarang aku takde peluang lain melainkan results a level yang perfect…straight
A’s.. Tak mudah….
Makin hari, aku makin takut nak jumpa orang, takut dengan semua
soalan tu. Takut dengan pertanyaan yang aku sebenarnya usaha tak nak fikir…
Sebenarnya, lepas SPM aku memang nak buat fb, tapi semua orang kat sekeliling
aku asyik tanya benda yang sama buatkan aku lagi takut nak buat fb. Bila cuti
sem, aku tak nak keluar rumah, takut terserempak dengan orang. Bila cuti seminggu
2, aku tak nak balik, nak study.
For some people, this is not a big deal, but for me, yes it is
especially when I grew up in a family that prioritizes academic performance.
Personally, I think there is so much more things out there that we need in
life, not everything is based on what we learn at school. Life is not all about
obtaining the best score in school. Life is more than that. However, this way
of thinking is just weird when the adults around me keep asking me about my academic
performance. Am I at fault?
Expectations…. It’s killing me…
Aku mula tertekan…
Dengan keadaan aku yang first time jauh dari family, tekanan study as a scholar,
exam yang aku rasa sangat susah… I was having a very difficult time. Aku mula
takut dengan expectations, sem 1 aku isolate diri aku dari kawan2 lama aku, aku
just contact dengan sorang je, my childhood best friend. Sem 2 keadaan makin
teruk aku insomnia. Paling awal aku tidur pun pukul 3 pagi bangun subuh lepas
tu memang tak leh tidur dah. Waktu tu aku takut sangat, aku penat aku nak tidur tapi aku tak boleh. Sem 3 keadaan makin ok, IELTS ok, sem 4 aku tak
lepas interview aku makin down. I struggled so hard to keep my motivation high,
to convince myself everything’s going to be alright…
Exam dah habis, sekarang
tunggu results, and when I thought I can finally take a lot of rest, my mom’s
friend saw my mom at the market and ask about me, again. Now the thoughts won’t
stop bugging me… I am suffocated with all those expectations.
Friends… I’m sorry.
Bukan aku buang kawan ke apa, bukan aku tak ingat korang. Tapi aku takut…. Aku
takut sangat…. I really do love all of you and I miss everyone. I just want to
be at peace…. Free from expectations and questions… I just want to be like how I used to be... Sorry
Saturday, 25 May 2013
Why am I so clumsy......
Ya Allah....What a day.... Aku hilangkan kad atm n aku x bayar lagi registration fee.. Kalau la aku terus bayar waktu ayah aku bank - in hari tu... tapi, aku nak focus exam.. Heiip!! Jangan mengeluh, wktu exam, ALLAH dah tolong lagi nak menyesal... Tadi dah sampai bank nak keluarkan duit tapi xjumpa kad, punya la cuak sampai aku berulang alik dari hostel g bank. Cari lagi kat tempat aku makan semalam, sepanjang jalan aku cari... 2 jam hangus nak cari benda tu je... 2 jam ntah brapa topic aku leh cover...
Kalau aku g tau kat parents habis la aku... Dah la aku ni memang yang paling banyak buat hal kat rumah.... Hmmmhh.... Dalam kepala aku waktu tu dah terbayang-bayang bebelan mak aku... Seram nye.... Dah la aku tak lunch pun... Dah pukul 4.30 petang aku duduk kejap, relax n think! Baru teringat yang aku ada on9 banking. So, aku nak transfer semua g kad yang still ada kat aku..
Tapi... tak ingat num akaun... Mak aku je tau... cuak cuak cuak... call pun dah bdebar -debar... Rasa nak meletup aorta aku, ventricle pump kuat giler... Aku pun mintak la num akaun, mak aku bagi je tapi lepas tu dia tnya nak buat apa? Dari suara dia aku tau dia dah syak something... Habis la habis la... Aku pun buat macam biasa je cakap 'saje je'. Hahaha... bengong... Terus aku cakap nak buat kerja jap.
Dah siap transfer baru aku call balik cakap hilang. haha... dah agak dah... suara mak macam tgh tahan sabar.... Aku pun cepat-cepat cakap 'dah transfer!' fuhh... lagi dia tanya macam2, letak kat mana, bila last tengok, macm mana boleh hilang.... Mom, I don't have the answer for any of that, if i do, it wouldn't be called 'missing'.... aku pun cakap nak g makan, xmakan lagi... baru mak aku macam concern sikit suruh g makan, bla bla bla... jangan fikir kad tu, focus study je bla bla bla....
Alhamdulillah... walaupun kad hilang at least duit tak hangus... Alhamdulillah
Kalau aku g tau kat parents habis la aku... Dah la aku ni memang yang paling banyak buat hal kat rumah.... Hmmmhh.... Dalam kepala aku waktu tu dah terbayang-bayang bebelan mak aku... Seram nye.... Dah la aku tak lunch pun... Dah pukul 4.30 petang aku duduk kejap, relax n think! Baru teringat yang aku ada on9 banking. So, aku nak transfer semua g kad yang still ada kat aku..
Tapi... tak ingat num akaun... Mak aku je tau... cuak cuak cuak... call pun dah bdebar -debar... Rasa nak meletup aorta aku, ventricle pump kuat giler... Aku pun mintak la num akaun, mak aku bagi je tapi lepas tu dia tnya nak buat apa? Dari suara dia aku tau dia dah syak something... Habis la habis la... Aku pun buat macam biasa je cakap 'saje je'. Hahaha... bengong... Terus aku cakap nak buat kerja jap.
Dah siap transfer baru aku call balik cakap hilang. haha... dah agak dah... suara mak macam tgh tahan sabar.... Aku pun cepat-cepat cakap 'dah transfer!' fuhh... lagi dia tanya macam2, letak kat mana, bila last tengok, macm mana boleh hilang.... Mom, I don't have the answer for any of that, if i do, it wouldn't be called 'missing'.... aku pun cakap nak g makan, xmakan lagi... baru mak aku macam concern sikit suruh g makan, bla bla bla... jangan fikir kad tu, focus study je bla bla bla....
Alhamdulillah... walaupun kad hilang at least duit tak hangus... Alhamdulillah
Thursday, 21 March 2013
the darkest of night
I feel like crying.... I feel so empty...and I don't even know why.... I feel like something is missing..yet I couldn't find out what.... I feel like I don't belong anywhere...not here at college, not there at home.... I feel so lonely yet I push everyone away whenever they want to approach me... Why am I like this? What is it that I want? Who is it that I'm waiting for? Dear heart, please be strong.... Grow up, alone yet strong.......
Saturday, 9 February 2013
2013? Brand new me
Well, here it is...
My first post for this not-so-new year... Looking back, a lot of things sure happened last year... and all those things really teach me what life is... Frustration, sadness and a tiny mini mere happiness... It's okay, past is past and don't let the past seize your future from your grasp...
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Indeed, is very true.... Somehow, it's easier to soothe me now whenever I have problem especially problem regarding 'him'. Now, I just want to divert my attention from him as far away as possible and focus more on this year. This year is the biggest moment of my life, my future depends on how well I do for my final exam this year and how good I am in the upcoming Trial Exam and placement interview.
Earlier this year, sad to say but I hate myself. I lost to him again. I replied his text again after 6 months of endurance. Stupid me. As expected, he disappoint me, over and over again. With no one to tell and no one to comfort me, there I was, crying myself to sleep again and back to normal the very next day. People around me perceive me as cold-hearted, hard-headed, friendless, socially awkward, introvert and everything less human. *sigh. If only someone knew how I lived my up until today for all this while and how I kept everything inside by myself, I'm pretty sure that none of you would stand a chance to keep standing up like I did. I am not cold-hearted, I just don't want to publicize my private life and show everyone how weak I am when it comes to love.
From now on, I won't give a damn about love. Yup... I don't care anymore. Stop telling me you love me after just a few weeks of knowing me. I hate that kind of confession the most. I am not a fool. It's totally fake and of zero trust from me. To 'that other guy', you can do whatever you want. I ll live my life and do my job, with or without you. You should know me well enough for these past 6 years that I won't let personal problems to interfere with my accomplishment. You hurt me? Ok, fine! I ll still score my papers. My heart might be full of scars..but never will I let those scars to take my success away from me. Even if it hurts deeply inside...
A new me for this new year of glory. Buck up, girl!
My first post for this not-so-new year... Looking back, a lot of things sure happened last year... and all those things really teach me what life is... Frustration, sadness and a tiny mini mere happiness... It's okay, past is past and don't let the past seize your future from your grasp...
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Indeed, is very true.... Somehow, it's easier to soothe me now whenever I have problem especially problem regarding 'him'. Now, I just want to divert my attention from him as far away as possible and focus more on this year. This year is the biggest moment of my life, my future depends on how well I do for my final exam this year and how good I am in the upcoming Trial Exam and placement interview.
Earlier this year, sad to say but I hate myself. I lost to him again. I replied his text again after 6 months of endurance. Stupid me. As expected, he disappoint me, over and over again. With no one to tell and no one to comfort me, there I was, crying myself to sleep again and back to normal the very next day. People around me perceive me as cold-hearted, hard-headed, friendless, socially awkward, introvert and everything less human. *sigh. If only someone knew how I lived my up until today for all this while and how I kept everything inside by myself, I'm pretty sure that none of you would stand a chance to keep standing up like I did. I am not cold-hearted, I just don't want to publicize my private life and show everyone how weak I am when it comes to love.
From now on, I won't give a damn about love. Yup... I don't care anymore. Stop telling me you love me after just a few weeks of knowing me. I hate that kind of confession the most. I am not a fool. It's totally fake and of zero trust from me. To 'that other guy', you can do whatever you want. I ll live my life and do my job, with or without you. You should know me well enough for these past 6 years that I won't let personal problems to interfere with my accomplishment. You hurt me? Ok, fine! I ll still score my papers. My heart might be full of scars..but never will I let those scars to take my success away from me. Even if it hurts deeply inside...
A new me for this new year of glory. Buck up, girl!
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