Ya ALLAH... Aku takut

Ya ALLAH... Aku takut sangat........ I have no one else... I only have you.... Aku lemah....... I don't have a lot of people to pray for me. I'm afraid that my du'a alone is not enough... I am really not close with anyone.... I don't share my personal problem with anyone. I keep everything to myself.. But now.. I feel so weak... I feel like I need someone but I don't have anyone.. I only have you. Ya ALLAH... walaupun aku keseorangan, walaupun aku memang banyak buat dosa, please look at me.... Hear me out Ya ALLAH... Listen to my do'a.... Please help me...........Help me......... It had been quite some time since I last cry that it feels so difficult to stop crying now. I feel lost.... Ya ALLAH... I really love you...... Don't leave me........

Being honest with my heart

People change... yes, it's very true..... Bila aku renung balik diri aku sekarang dan diri aku waktu sekolah menengah dulu ada satu perasaan pelik dalam diri aku. It is as though I am thinking of someone else. My old self won't recognize me now.... And little did I know that I could change this much... I was much happier back then... Happier and healthier.... Surrounded by friends, teachers, and family that love me despite of how childish and immature I was. But now....

I was having a lot of fun studying at my high school even though it is only a small school at a small town... Sekolah aku dulu kecik je, satu kelas 20 + students je, total students pun 500 lebih je waktu tu... But I was so happy....Not a single day passed without laughter...not an ordinary laughter since my friends were extraordinarily funny... Some more, my circle of friends is soooooo small. My classmates were my only close friends on this earth. So, we grew up closer than we thought we would be. 'Friends'... such a pleasant treasure to have.... But now....

Sekarang aku dah tak kenal diri aku....

Back in 2010, when our SPM results was out, it appeared that I became the first and only student in my batch to get straight A's after 7 years. So people start to pay attention to me. Well, I can't blame them; I grew up at a small town so of course news spread fast. What's more? Muslim is the minority here with less than 10% practitioners, so when a Muslim girl like me get 11 A’s, people start to wonder who is that girl? Since that day, whenever my teachers or my parents’ friend see them anywhere, the most common question would be about where am I now… Expectations start to burden me.

Rezeki tu rahsia Allah… aku tak tahu kenapa, entah macam mana, kenapa and on what basis, tiba 2 aku dapat anugerah SPM waktu maal Hijrah.. Sedangkan aku tak dapat straight A plus pun… Sukan aku tak aktif pun, aku tak tahu kenapa dan macam mana aku dapat. And again…expectations keep increasing….

Bila orang dapat tahu aku dapat tawaran study abroad, lagi la…. Expectations began to suffocate me… Memang aku dapat tawaran tapi ada banyak stages nak g tu, exam tak yah cakap la, berbelas2 papers aku kena duduk, interview lagi, IELTS lagi.. tapi…people don’t understand… They keep on asking, when are you going to fly, which university, where, bla3…. Honestly, I can’t answer any of it, so stop asking me and my family about it. I pity my mom and dad, they have to think of the right way to answer those questions every time….

IELTS Alhamdulillah kira excellent gak, tapi interview aku tak lepas, sekarang aku takde peluang lain melainkan results a level yang perfect…straight A’s.. Tak mudah….

Makin hari, aku makin takut nak jumpa orang, takut dengan semua soalan tu. Takut dengan pertanyaan yang aku sebenarnya usaha tak nak fikir… Sebenarnya, lepas SPM aku memang nak buat fb, tapi semua orang kat sekeliling aku asyik tanya benda yang sama buatkan aku lagi takut nak buat fb. Bila cuti sem, aku tak nak keluar rumah, takut terserempak dengan orang. Bila cuti seminggu 2, aku tak nak balik, nak study.

For some people, this is not a big deal, but for me, yes it is especially when I grew up in a family that prioritizes academic performance. Personally, I think there is so much more things out there that we need in life, not everything is based on what we learn at school. Life is not all about obtaining the best score in school. Life is more than that. However, this way of thinking is just weird when the adults around me keep asking me about my academic performance. Am I at fault?

Expectations…. It’s killing me…

Aku mula tertekan… Dengan keadaan aku yang first time jauh dari family, tekanan study as a scholar, exam yang aku rasa sangat susah… I was having a very difficult time. Aku mula takut dengan expectations, sem 1 aku isolate diri aku dari kawan2 lama aku, aku just contact dengan sorang je, my childhood best friend. Sem 2 keadaan makin teruk aku insomnia. Paling awal aku tidur pun pukul 3 pagi bangun subuh lepas tu memang tak leh tidur dah. Waktu tu aku takut sangat, aku penat aku nak tidur tapi aku tak boleh. Sem 3 keadaan makin ok, IELTS ok, sem 4 aku tak lepas interview aku makin down. I struggled so hard to keep my motivation high, to convince myself everything’s going to be alright…

Exam dah habis, sekarang tunggu results, and when I thought I can finally take a lot of rest, my mom’s friend saw my mom at the market and ask about me, again. Now the thoughts won’t stop bugging me… I am suffocated with all those expectations.

Friends… I’m sorry. Bukan aku buang kawan ke apa, bukan aku tak ingat korang. Tapi aku takut…. Aku takut sangat…. I really do love all of you and I miss everyone. I just want to be at peace…. Free from expectations and questions… I just want to be like how I used to be... Sorry