A big family

Selalunya, kalau hari tu kelas terakhir untuk semester tu sebelum Study Leave, semua orang akan happy... but not me... It is always the saddest day for me...ever since the first semester... It is actually an indication for me.. An indication of a whole lonely week, a lonely war... Classmates aku mesti lah happy kan, sebab dapat balik jumpa family masing2... but for me, Monday is the day that I can't wait for every week... Sebab aku rasa macam kat kelas je aku ada kawan...

My house mates? They have their own clique...

My ex- best friend? When I was in my first semester, she told me that I'm boring and she wanted to be closer to her class mates. She always plan a hang out day with them...I wanted to join them, but this friend of mine told me not to come with her when she wants to go out with her friends. Until today, I don't know why she didn't want me to be friend with her friends, as though she wanted a new circle of friends without me... even though we used to be close like sisters before. After some time, I started to ignore her...till today....

My other house mate just got a boyfriend and definitely they will spend a lot of times together. Days and nights, breakfast,lunch and dinner... I don't blame her, I understand her feelings well.. Of course she would want to be with the guy that she likes. Even though that means leaving me alone.

My other house mate? She is very studious, some more, she will be attending an interview in 2 weeks time.. I don't want to disturb her preparation....

The only place that I can share my laughter? My class..... With my class mates.... i am severely home sick.. but none of them notice it. I always remind myself to put a smile on my face, and to light up my face with gladness...To laugh out loud...To crack stupid jokes.... But...whenever I'm alone, that feelings will come, the loneliness and homesickness... Sometimes, I'll cry. When we hang out and do stupid things together, I will forget for a while how far I am from my beloved home.... Somehow, It feels much better and much closer..... Thank you so much for giving me moments of happiness and laughter...

Now that the Final Exam is around the corner and all of you will go back to your family... I wish all of you the best of luck. Smile and be happy! I love each of you like a family.

Sincerely,
The troublemaker 'Lady in White'

Who Are You?

Macam biasa...Pagi pagi lagi aku dah pergi taman... Tapi, kali ni aku tak jog, aku cuma baca artikel. Hari ni, taman agak sunyi... Entah kenapa, aku pun tak tahu. Aku tak ambik kisah sangat pun... Aku panjat skateboard lane yang jadi tempat lepak aku tu, duduk kat situ sambil tiup bubbles. Rasa tinggi je... hehe... Tapi, hari ni aku nak share satu benda yang aku tak leh buang dari kotak fikiran aku sepanjang hari ni....

Lepas kira-kira setengah jam kat situ, aku nampak ada sorang laki ni, dengan tangan bawak newspaper, dari jauh dia datang. Sepanjang perjalanan tu, mata dia tak lepas tengok aku. Dia duduk kat kerusi tak jauh dari tapak skateboard tu. Laki ni gemok, kulit gelap, badan besar dan agak tinggi. Tengok muka macam dalam lingkungan 30 an macam tu. Sepanjang aku pergi taman ni, beberapa minggu ni aku kerap nampak dia. Masuk hari ni, kali ketiga la.

Dia menakutkan aku la. Dia tengok aku semacam. Senyum-senyum, muka pun muka gatal. Aku tak selesa sangat. Last week dia pun duduk kat situ jugak, tapi last week dia tiba-tiba duduk bertentang dengan aku, tapi kat bawah la. Dia mana larat nak panjat tapak skateboard tu kan? Aku buat bodoh je lah, sebab aku ingatkan kalau buat cam tu dia akan blah. Tapi, dia tak pergi2. Waktu tu aku dah rasa pelik dengan cara dia pandang aku. Pandang betul-betul tenung, senyum2. Hish, seram la aku. Macam2 aku fikir, terus aku blah dari situ. Waktu tu, dia diam sekejap lepas tu dia balik (aku intai dari jauh).

Tapi hari ni... Dia dok kat kerusi tak jauh dari tempat aku, lepas tu balik. Tapi sepanjang jalan dia nak balik tu, dia asyik toleh-toleh kat aku. Senyum2 dengan muka pervert dia tu. Aku jeling dia buat muka marah entah berapa kali entah still nak tenung-tenung orang. Hish... Dah la aku ni memang jenis yang pergi mana2 pun sorang2.

Jangan ingat aku perasan eh... Sebab pagi tadi betul2 sunyi, lepas tu kat kawasan skateboard tu cuma ada aku sorang. Lagipun, aku tak mungkin teringin jadi perhatian lelaki yang kira pak cik untuk aku. Aku tak nak jadi perhatian sapa2 pun...

Ya ALLAH...tolong lah selamatkan aku... Aku rasa terancam sangat... Jangan lah apa2 yang tak elok terjadi kat aku... Lepas ni maybe aku dah tak pergi taman dah kalau sunyi... Aku bersyukur sangat2 sebab pagi tadi aku duduk kat tempat tinggi yang cuma boleh pergi dengan cara panjat sebab kalau lah aku duduk kat rumput waktu sunyi macam tu entah apa yang jadi kat aku kan.... Syukur jugak sebab fizikal dia tak membenarkan dia panjat2 ni... Seriau aku.... Hish.....

Dear Mr. Pervert,
I didn't do anything wrong to you. I don't even know you and I'm sure that you don't know me as well... Could you please stop staring at me? It's scary. Respect woman, can't you?... I am just a student so please leave me alone.

Big Girls Don't Cry......

Ya Allah.... My God.... The only place that I have for me to turn to...... Am I allowed to cry? Is it really okay to cry? Will I be able to return to my strong self if I allow my weak side to come out of its shell? This question always linger around my mind.... The only question that I have no answer to... I feel like crying... But then, I won't be a strong girl right? A strong girl won't cry over failure right? But I really feel like crying.... What should I do...... I wont cry..... Never will cry... Be tough..... Smile.... Everything will be alright.... Ya Allah...just stay by my side... I know how bad can I be at times.... But still....Don't leave me... I have no one.... No one.... but you....

It's so difficult to act all tough in front of other people when I know that I'm hurting inside. It's so torturing to laugh and to act cheerful and to crack some jokes in front of my friends when I actually need someone to look me through my eyes and tell me that everything's going to be alright. It's painful to portray myself to the world as the happiest person on earth when I can feel that deep inside my heart is nothing but emptiness and sorrow.

Ya Allah, dear my Almighty God, pretending to be strong sure is tough. You know better than anyone else that I'm just a vulnerable little girl inside... You know better how fearful I feel to face my future and to face tomorrow. Ya Allah, I'm scared.... I'm really scared......

I'm all by myself... I'm alone... a loner.... I don't have anyone to talk to whenever I feel down... I just can't bring myself to express my feeling to anyone... I just can't... I'm so used to keep everything inside.... So, please....Ya Allah... Grant my du'a.... Be by my side... Don't leave me no matter how 'black' and 'hard' my heart is....no matter how far away have I gone astray...no matter how evil I can be at times..... Just don't leave me...... I'm afraid.... I'm too afraid that every night before I close my eyes, I would pray for You to take me away from this cruel world and to bring me to Your side.... As I knew and always know that You would never ever treat me that way....

An advice from the 'future' Ladyinwhite',
Hey....Wake up.... You will be fine.. You'll get through this tough times and grow up to be even stronger... Don't cry.... Smile.... Be strong.... You might be pretending to be happy now, but somehow in the future, you will no longer faking and everything will come true. (^_^)

Lady in white is in sorrow...yet the world is still moving cruelly